blondedawn

step by step

ever since i visited shady grove, i have had this weird feeling…sort of like i don’t know if this is right for us yet. my husband has been very supportive of my decision to go to sg, but he also voiced his thoughts about it, which are similar to how i’m feeling now. i guess we both feel like we’re jumping into something that overwhelms us. the tests and visits are enough to make you want to pull your hair out; just thinking about all of that makes me tired! i feel like we’re missing a step or two. like we’re starting at the top of a tall staircase and jumping down to the bottom without taking the time to test the other steps to get us from point a to point b.

i had an appointment yesterday and talked to my doctor about trying clomid. there’s no 3 day us, no follicle check, no trigger shot. just clomid, my body, and a day 21 progesterone test.

am i chickening out? maybe a little.
am i okay with this decision? yes.

i am pretty sure i will still go in for the day 3 us and the hsg next cycle; they are both covered by insurance and i should know that things are okay. but i think that’s where it will end – at least for now – with sg. it’s too much too fast.

hold on

hold on is one of my favorite songs by sarah mclachlan; it’s also what i’m doing right now…really, really holding on. holding on to faith and hope and that things will work out. but honestly? i haven’t even started treatment yet and i’m sick of holding on to only this. i need something else in my life, but i don’t know what it is. train for a 5k? start some sort of hobby? graduate school usually keeps me super busy, but now that i am off for the summer, i’m realizing how i hate not having anything to do.

i’ve been thinking about going to the local school’s track in the evenings after work. i can get outside and exercise and have an outlet for work stress. i think it will also be good for me to get out of my house more because i seriously do not do anything after work. if james is working evenings or nights, i just stay at home and feel sorry for myself. it has to stop. i can feel the downward spiral (i talked about that in an earlier post) and it’s really starting to bum me out.

so give me some ideas! what do you do for fun? hobbies? after work activities? do you go to the gym? belong to a book club?

finally

cd1 is here. terrible timing, but at least i know i can have many margaritas while on vacation this week!

we leave tomorrow for austin to spend a long weekend with some wonderful friends that we don’t get to see enough. i am so happy and excited to meet a dear friend’s 2 1/2 year old twin boys…i was fortunate enough to see my friend and her husband at another friend’s wedding in aspen (2007) but this will be the first time to meet the boys. i can’t wait!

so as far as my ultrasound and hsg and all that – it will have to wait until the next cycle. hopefully we can do it all in one go next time: cd3 ultrasound, cd5 hsg, sa for my husband, and start me on clomid! i have to call my nurse to let her know the status so maybe she’ll have other plans for me. :)

i won’t be blogging until we get back from texas so have a wonderful weekend!

boohoohoo dawn…boohoohoo

i am in a pms/hormonal funk.

i don’t feel like going anywhere, seeing anyone, or doing anything. i’ve been quite content to sit at home and play online, watch tv, and play games on my iphone, irritated at the world outside my front door. i’m not angry at anything or anyone in particular; i’m just seriously homicidal hormonal. the worst part of all of it is that i’m still waiting. waiting for this cycle to start or waiting to get a bfp. i’m still tired and grumpy and my boobs still hurt and i’m still craving pretty much everything. it’s just so frustrating to not know what is going on inside my body, but i hope something happens soon. i’m not stressed about it, i’m not convinced i’m pregnant and will crumble into a million pieces if my cycle starts. i just want something to happen. i guess this is a great test of my patience? of my sanity?  

i did leave my house for approximately two hours today so i could have my hair cut and colored. my usual stylist was out this weekend, but the receptionist promised me that this other girl was just as good and just as cool. thankfully, she really lived up to her reputation; she has fine hair like me so she knew how to cut it, and she toned down the warm red tones in my hair by making the brown just a little richer. she was fun and cute and quirky and we talked a lot about our dogs. it was nice.

my husband has an atv race tomorrow, so my plan is to do lots of laundry, watch bride wars, and start my packing list for our mini vacation to austin this weekend. i may even venture to the mall because i need new foundation. not too exciting, i know i know, but it’s SOOOO NICE to not have to worry about homework or guests or anything else. 

despite my moaning about not wanting to do anything or see anyone, i am actually quite content to be alone and do my thing. i need time for me, especially after the past few crazy weekends and the next two crazy weekends coming up. i do know i have a hard time finding balance though, so i’m glad i have a long weekend with friends coming up soon!

seriously body

pms? pregnant?

i’m eating everything in sight. my boobs feel like giant watermelons on my chest and hurt. i’m tired. i’m uber-emotional (my husband asked: “more than usual? maybe i just won’t talk to you for a few days”). i’m bloated.

honestly body, please pick one. because if it’s just pms, you need to do your thang so i can get the ultrasound done before we go to texas. i ask that you tell af to come by monday or wait until the 5th.  or don’t come at all but give me a bfp!!!

those are your choices, body. are you listening to me?