blondedawn

please read the chart!

as previously mentioned, i had a scheduled appointment with my lady doctor on monday. everything was going along just fine. i weighed in, chatted about my medications, did the blood pressure thing and then boom!!!!!

“you have one child? how did you deliver?”

“ummm. i had a miscarriage”

“ohhhh. ohh my god, i’m so sorry. i’m sorry.”

(tearing up) “it’s okay. i’m okay.”

the words hit me like a ton of bricks. i know the nurse wasn’t trying to be mean and it was totally unintentional, but i wish she would have just read my chart more carefully.

then of course my exam room is the one with a 2d diagram of a woman giving birth and pictures of the fetus at varying stages of life. i would have been right at 25 weeks on monday and it was really really hard to see what the baby would have looked like. so i cried. and then i felt better.

and so it begins

i had my first appointment with shady grove today. i was there for 2.5 hours and my head is still spinning from information overload. 

the good news is that my blood tests (thank you wonderful endo for sending over the results!) are normal and consistent with pcos. note: when i say normal, i mean normal compared to others with pcos. not normal-normal. i was pleasantly surprised by this news since of course i had prepped myself for the worst. 

we have some homework…more blood work, a baseline ultrasound and hsg for me, sa for j, requesting a few more records, etc. we may or may not start clomid with the next cycle; it depends on timing (since we’re going out of town for 4 days in early june) and whether or not i need to take provera to induce my cycle. i’m okay with waiting until the july cycle and don’t want to stress myself out with rushing rushing rushing.

i have lots of calls to make; two of which are to our insurance companies to see if they cover various things. did any of you have the cystic fibrosis screening? was it covered by insurance? that’s the only thing i’m torn about.

oh – one really really major sucky thing about the location…there is a wic program for mothers on another floor.  i seriously saw no less than five pregnant women and three newborns just from walking in and out of the building. bad bad bad! i didn’t like that at alllllll.

guilty, party of one?

some of you will know what i’m talking about and some of you won’t. that’s okay. but for those of you who don’t know what i’m talking about or don’t understand it, i hope you never do. i certainly didn’t understand it until i experienced it…and i wish i could have lived my life full of blissful ignorance.

after you have a miscarriage – or even when you just can’t get pregnant – you start to notice that everyone around you is pregnant. everyone. the lady in line behind you at the grocery store, your hairdresser, friends, every freaking woman in the ob/gyn’s office…even the nurse who held your head so you wouldn’t snap your neck off when you pass out from low blood pressure as you are having the miscarriage. you feel alone. you feel scared. you feel angry. you feel like it’s never going to happen for you and why the hell is that woman smoking while she’s pregnant? (i’ve had to restrain myself from saying something on more than one occasion).

the worst feelings come when your friends get pregnant. you are torn between happiness and sadness; you are so happy for your friend but so sad and jealous that it’s NOT YOU. then the guilt OH THE GUILT kicks in that you are not just insanely happy for your friend. the guilt is probably the worst part. and yet, my brain yells at me all the time…”it should be  me! i should be the one! i was the one!” i will never ever ever wish upon my friends the feelings of despair and the unknown when it comes to getting pregnant. but in that same wish, i would like to add – for those people who get pregnant on demand – i wish that they would all appreciate the fact that it’s a wonderful thing. the understanding that it’s not like that for everyone. no guilty feelings for being supremely fertile…just appreciation. 

j and i were invited to a bbq with friends yesterday. a bbq with friends that includes toddlers and babies and pregnant women. as much as i love my friends and as much as i love their kids, i could not do it yesterday. my mind is so full of shady grove and what ifs for this week that i just didn’t want to add something else on top of it. i didn’t sit at home and sit on the couch and cry…j and i had a great lunch and went to a movie and i got a lot done around the house. i could function just fine. i just couldn’t function around babies and kids and pregnant women just fine. not yesterday. 

i’m trying to resist the woe is me cycle and not get caught up in feeling sorry for myself. i very rarely have hard days like yesterday. kids usually don’t bother me at all…the joy they bring overshadows the little bit of sadness i still have. it’s still hard to see pregnant women all over the freaking place, but what can you do? life goes on. :)

i was but now i’m not

pregnant, that is.

was in the er all morning. not pleasant, especially when my blood pressure dropped to 70/40 and i went in and out of consciousness. the nurses were great (esp the one who held my head up!) and thanks to that little episode, i was put first in line for a room. if you’ve never had your blood pressure drop suddenly, be thankful. it’s really scary and totally sucks.

not a fun day. very sad actually. but i truly am happy to know what pregnancy felt like, even for a little bit. i wasn’t sure i could even get pregnant and now i know i can. i knew from the start that i was high-risk due to PCOS and really did know that this was a big possibility. of course nothing could have prepared me for this. it was worse than i thought it would be.

my org theory and design mid-term was supposed to be tonight but professor told me to take it when i feel better. i am covered at work and don’t have to go back until Thursday. i’m happy to stay home and pop vicodin and not have to talk to anyone or be around anyone right now.

it’s so crazy that miscarriages happen so often. you don’t really know until it happens to you or someone you love. then other women share their experiences, which i really believe helps the healing.

don’t get me wrong. i’m sad. i’m actually pretty devastated. but i understand that these things happen and that the odds weren’t very good. i think the worst part will be telling my parents, so i will leave that to james. i just don’t want to hear their sadness and remember that forever. even typing that out makes me cry again.

i hold onto knowing that so many of my friends have gone through this and have gone on to have happy and healthy babies. i know all hope is not lost. i know that something was wrong and my body took care of it. i know that i will be okay.

i also want to add that my husband is amazing. i know he is sad too and i know we will get through this together.